When Love Is Lost In Translation
Understanding how cultural differences shape our behaviors, so that we can break cultural barriers and save our relationships.
Since the day Mary and Ana met one year ago, they’ve been seeing each other almost every week. They have a strong intellectual connection and like to talk for hours about everything. They have great chemistry. Their friendship has grown steadily and now they feel closer than ever.
But in the past couple of weeks something has changed. For some reason, their conversations are no longer as smooth as they used to be. Words don’t come easy anymore. Doubt has emerged. Trust seems to be eroding.
What happened? Are the two friends no longer compatible? Don’t they like each other anymore? Is one of them getting bored of the other?
Without further context, anything could be the cause of the change. Relationships can be complicated and usually they deteriorate due to a combination of factors.
But what if the change had to do with culture? Mary is from Germany and Ana is from Spain. Is it possible that cultural differences got in the way? Have those differences created a cultural barrier between them? Have they lost their love in translation?
The challenge of communicating across cultures
Communicating well, both verbally and non-verbally, is at the core of solid and long-lasting relationships. It is a key element for reaching a common understanding and especially for building trust between people.
But effective communication can be difficult, especially in our personal relationships. We often talk to each other without listening, or look at each other without seeing. This lack of communication makes us feel frustrated and disillusioned.
Communication issues are exacerbated by cultural and language differences. People from different cultures with different mother tongues tend to have a harder time understanding each other than people from the same culture who speak the same language.
The challenge of communicating across cultures emerges when people’s cultural differences become obstacles for effective communication. This is what we call the “cultural barrier,” an imaginary wall that prevents us from communicating effectively because of our cultural differences.
If we take the case of Mary and Ana as an example, we could argue that their cultural differences might have led to different perceptions of their relationship, different expectations from each other, and especially different communicative approaches. These elements, which are all part of the cultural barrier, could have contributed to their clash and prevented them from communicating effectively.
Understanding the cultural barrier
Cultural anthropologist Edward T. Hall developed a popular cultural model in the 1950s aimed at understanding how cultures approach personal communication. In his seminal work, which is described in his book The Silent Language, Hall proposes a model with three cultural dimensions: Context, space and time.
Analyzing cultural differences according to these three dimensions sheds light on potential reasons behind cultural misunderstandings.
Context
In his first dimension, Hall divides cultures into high-context versus low-context cultures. In low-context cultures, the message that is being communicated is mainly contained in the words and not as much in the context. These cultures tend to focus on being clear and specific.
In low-context cultures more explanations are needed in order to avoid misunderstandings and very little is taken for granted. Examples of low-context cultures include Northern European countries and the United States.
On the other hand, in high context cultures, the message that is being communicated is mainly contained in the context rather than in the words. The focus on the contextual elements help people understand the rules of the culture, as well as the meaning of the message that is being communicated.
In high-context cultures fewer explanations are needed and very much is taken for granted. This can be confusing for people who don’t understand the unwritten rules of the culture. Examples of high-context cultures include Southern European countries and Latin America.
If we analyze the case of Mary and Ana, we could argue that context probably contributed to their communication issues. Ana, being from a high-context culture, was leaving many things unsaid. Perhaps she had feelings for Mary that she wasn’t communicating. She was expecting Mary to read the message in the context, through her actions not her words.
Mary, on the other hand, being from a low-context culture, was feeling frustrated by Ana’s inability to express her thoughts and feelings. She felt something was up, but she didn’t know what it was. She felt Ana was hiding something from her and wasn’t being honest.
Space
In Hall’s second dimension, cultures are classified into those in which people need more personal space versus those in which people need less personal space. In general, in individualistic cultures people need more personal space than in collective cultures.
Hall notes that if a person encroaches into the space of someone from a culture that requires more personal space, that person would be perceived as a threat. For example, while showing up unannounced at somebody’s house is common practice in most collective cultures, it is considered an invasive and inappropriate behavior in individualistic societies.
Also, we could extrapolate the concept of personal space to the frequency of interactions expected in a relationship. So in general, someone from a low-personal-space culture is likely to expect more interactions with their partner than someone from a high-personal-space culture.
Examples of high-personal-space cultures include individualistic societies such as Northern European countries and the United States. Examples of low-personal-space cultures include less individualistic societies such as Southern European countries and Latin America.
If we analyze again the case of Mary and Ana, we could imagine that Mary was perhaps feeling that Ana was invading her personal space. Not only was Ana often standing too close to Mary when they were together, but she was also calling her and texting her too often. Mary felt Ana wanted to trap her. Ana’s inability to give her space felt like a threat.
Maybe Ana, being from a more collective culture, felt the need to be with Mary as much as possible and overlooked Mary’s need to spend time on her own. In collective cultures people have a hard time making the distinction between “being alone” versus “being lonely.” So when someone is alone, people assume that the person is lonely and needs company.
Time
In Hall’s final dimension, cultures are classified into those in which people feel more comfortable doing one thing at a time (monochronic cultures) versus those in which people feel more comfortable doing multiple tasks simultaneously (polychronic cultures).
In monochronic cultures, time is linear so events are scheduled one at a time, with one event following the other. Time is seen as a valuable and tangible commodity (time is money). Schedules often take precedence over interpersonal relationships. Punctuality, preciseness, planning and productivity are very important. People feel pressured by their schedules. If on a given day they don’t accomplish what they have planned, they feel they have “wasted time.” Examples of monochronic cultures include Northern European countries and the United States.
In polychronic cultures, by contrast, time is flexible and nonlinear. Schedules are not that important and several events can happen simultaneously. Interpersonal relations are highly valued and the emphasis is placed on the relationships rather than on the completion of a task (“being” rather than “doing”). The perception of time is more connected to nature, the seasons, and the earth.
In the case of Mary and Ana, perhaps Mary, being from a monochronic culture, started to feel that the time she was spending with Ana was preventing her from focusing on her work. Maybe that same feeling also contributed to Mary’s impression that Ana was trying to trap her.
Ana, being from a polychronic culture, was perhaps focusing too much on building the relationship and completely overlooked Mary’s need to stick to her schedule and complete her work on time.
Breaking the cultural barrier
Cross-cultural relationships, like any human interaction, can be complex. But knowing what the complexities are and where they come from give us the opportunity to discuss them with our partners and adjust our behaviors accordingly.
When encountering cultural misunderstandings, it is important to give our loved ones the benefit of the doubt. We don’t want to judge their character but rather be mindful of their culture and interpret their behaviors in the context of that culture.
With the right amount of knowledge of other cultures, and our willingness to be mindful about cultural differences, we can break the cultural barrier. So when our partners’ behaviors clash with our cultural values, we can have an open conversation with them. This will help them make the necessary adjustments to their behaviors. And it will also help us adjust our own behaviors if needed.
This is not an easy task. I have been working on it all my life and still bang my head against the cultural barrier pretty often. But the knowledge and the mindfulness have allowed me to think about my mistakes, learn from them, and rescue the love from the friends that I previously lost in translation.
Final thoughts
I believe that when we immigrate to a new country or visit it as a tourist, it is our job to adjust to the cultural values of that country. People from the country should not be expected to familiarize themselves with all the cultures they encounter in their own country. If they are open-minded and want to learn about other cultures, that’s a wonderful thing. But the burden to avoid the cultural misunderstandings is on the immigrant or visitor.
As immigrants or tourists, we have to learn as much as possible about that country’s culture and be mindful about cultural differences. We need to take full responsibility for all the cultural misunderstandings produced in our interactions with others. When we realize that cultural clashes have occurred, we should apologize and try to explain what happened.
I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to anyone who had to endure an uncomfortable moment due to a cultural misunderstanding with me. I want you to know that I continue doing a lot of self-reflection about this topic, and will do my best to minimize the negative effects that cultural differences could have in my future interactions with you.
